|
| Well, well, well.
Here we are again.
Same person, same problems. Different time.
It seems every year I'm going to have to face with a similar problem. Maybe this happens to see how much I grow from each experience. Maybe it's trying to test me. Maybe it's seeing how I''m going to react after it all.
I guess each year nothing changes, but I think this year it did. Realizing the truth. Maybe trying to ignore it a little. Not trying to always talk about it. Well, to that person at least. Not smothering someone. Just...dealing.
That's how everything is going to work out. I'm always going to have to "deal" with something. I mean, there's not much I can do. Confronting the problem would only make it worse. Telling my true feelings could only make it worse. Dealing, doesn't hurt anyone, but me. I take greater satisfaction knowing I'm upset, rather than someone else though. Although, I hope people realize I'm not retarded. I can tell by the way you look, act, and talk, how you're feeling. Or maybe what you're thinking. It's obvious. You try to avoid being obvious but it doesn't work. I don't hate you for it. I get upset over it. I'm only a choice. Not a priority. I'll admit it hurts feeling that way. But I just have to deal. Things are always going to get to me like this. There's no way possible that I could fix this without fucking it up. Realization is key. I guess it would make me a pussy knowing someone was using me though. So what options do I have?...
None.
| | |
| Hm, August 20th.
School is almost here and I'm almost feeling excited. Senior year should be COOOOL.
Yeah, hopefully nothing bad comes out of this year. It can't be any worse than how summer started off.
I actually like the way summer is ended.
I feel like I'm a new person or something.
Life is good.
| | |
| I like how summer is starting out.
I don't think I'll like how it's going to end.
| | |
| I always thought that, because I was best friends with someone, there could never be a possibility of not being there friend. The thought of losing your best friend, even if they did something wrong, makes you shudder. Even if something was their fault, you always seem to run back, because it feels like you needed to. Like there was never anyone else. But I guess I found out that there was. There is life after losing your best friend. "Name one person you can't life without." And you would always name the same people, but when it comes down to it, it's not true. I can live without you. I can live better without you. Truth is, you slowed me down, and it feels like so much weight is off of my shoulders now that I don't need to deal with you. It's nice. I guess that person was right when she said you treated me like shit, because you do. A lot of people do, but not to your extent. Even after it all you still tried to pin the fault on me, when I did nothing wrong at all. I guess it shows how much people change? Tomorrow is my birthday, and it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I need to turn back a year. I'm not ready to turn 17. I'm not ready to throw the last year of my life away. It feels like my birthday is a "new year" like I can change anything. I could do anything. I think the point of this blog, was to reassure myself that it's okay to let go. It's okay to lose friends. Sometimes it's not as bad as it seems because some of your friends are friends with friends who are blahblahblah. I don't care anymore. I have who I have. I think I'll only ever have a few true stable friendships. And it's ashame, because those are the people I never get to see. They never start drama with me, they never do anything wrong. And I want to find more people like them. They're the people who keep me sane. At the end of the day it's okay if I had a shitty day, because you know those people are there. After tomorrow, I'm making myself all new. I'm going to change, because I think it's time.
It's time to grow up and let go. Let the next year of my life be amazing. Don't let anything get to you. Whatever happens, happens. Don't try to change people. Don't try to argue with people. Don't try to change their minds. If they want to leave, let them. Don't get in the way of anything.
It's going to be hard. I need to be more laid back. I can't control the people around me though, that's a different story.
| | |
| Yesterday I had work and it was only have a shift. It took long as shit and today I have a full shift and I don't want it to take forever. I'm going to Brandon's house after work and sleeping over and I'm excited =]. I scheduled my driving test for April 4th. I hope I at least get some kind of practice. It's annoying having a permit for like 10 months and not driving.. I went out yesterday night for the first time in a while and it felt nice. Ummm. That's it. Not in the mood to tell you my feelings =]
| | |
|
